Becoming a single mother used to be considered taboo in many African societies. Many women were forced to marry a man once the man made her pregnant, even when the pregnancy was not out of choice. Even a man was expected to marry a woman once he got her pregnant.

Fast forward to the 20th century and there are many single mothers as many men fail to take on their parenting duties. But is the increasing number of children living with only their mother a result of men neglecting their fatherly duties? While this may usually be the reality, there are increasing cases of women who are choosing to be single parents, a trend known as single mothers by choice.

WHERE DOES FATHERLESSNESS COME FROM
Childbearing by unmarried women is reported to be on the increase. The Federation International De Abogadas (Fida), a woman right group based in Kampala, estimated that over 1,000 single mothers report cases of child neglect by fathers and failure to offer maintenance support every year. In 2009, about 1,600 women filed such reports, according to Fida.

This situation is seeing more children are brought up in families without fathers. Fida estimates that one out of every three Ugandan lady has a child not catered for by a father.

Based in the many disappointment in relationships, some women are choosing to take on the adventure of raising a child alone. This is also referred to as being a Choice Mom.

Why chose to be a single mother?

Harriet Adongmalu,Social worker at Refuge and Hope International.

Harriet Adongmalu, a mentor and counselor says that the factors most commonly related to the contemporary Ugandan situation include; the changing social and cultural trends of single parent families, increased rates of divorce and non-marital childbearing.

“The issue of feminism has increased employment opportunities for women and less for men, coupled with the availability of welfare benefits that enable women to set up their own households”. She adds.

Mrs. Mbabazi Josephine, a marriage counselor at Mukono town Council also explains some of the reasons that women consider to become single mothers in the video below.

Too often, the statistics seem to more accurately represent Single Mothers by Chance—those who became unexpectedly pregnant or those who entered parenthood with partners by their side, only to be left alone without much of a say at some point down the line.

There has been concern that all Ugandan policies, Associations, Authorities and Organizations both governmental and non-governmental ones dealing with women and family issues basically focus on single parenthood by disaster.

Some people have been asking how is it that, as a society, we apparently haven’t moved the needle much on perceptions of such single mothers, even though public opinions were more accepting of the argument that a family with both parents is more steadier than one with a single parent.

After visiting families in such as the above mentioned state, it is true that children with currently one sole caretaker (single mum by choice) do exist.

UNDERSTANDING HOW UGANDAN SINGLE MUMS BY CHOICE COPE

While each single mother has traveled a different path to single motherhood, the presence of many single mothers by choice, including those who swear never to marry was startling.

It is no secret that in Uganda, many people still think of single mothers as disruptive and outside the norm especially in the African tradition where a woman should never choose a single life under any circumstances.

“Historically, single-parent families were the result of parental death. About one-four of children born around the turn of the nineteenth century experienced the death of a parent before they reached age fifteen” says Ruth Nankya, a traditionalist in Makindye, a Kampala suburb. But many women are finding reasons to disagree with Nankya.

Take Ssanyu Hadijah for instance, a 43-year-old business lady living in Mukono district. She chose to be the only parent to her two children because she knew she was ready to be a parent. She says she doesn’t even think about the fact that she is a single mother anymore. “It’s my only way. Besides being good at my job, the other thing I would do it all over again is taking care of my children,” Ssanyu says.

Then there is Fridah (last name withheld for privacy). She is a 35-year Makerere graduate and a senior adviser in corporate affairs who is a Single Mother by Choice to daughter Lavina, 4years old. While she had believed she found the love of her life years before, it never quite worked out, and in her late 20 to early 30s.

She decided that she would rather pursue motherhood on her own than never at all. Five weeks to Lavina’s birth, Fridah was on her way back from a business trip when she experienced complications with her pregnancy hence giving birth sooner than was expected.

This means that Lavina was born premature and because of that was born premature, after from complications due to preeclampsia. Because of that, she has developmental delays.and requires more care than Fridah had initially planned for.

For Fridah, addressing those concerns is the biggest challenge of motherhood, but she is quick to point out that the same would be true even if she had a partner. She told me she sometimes catches herself saying, “When I was single…” in reference to her previous life, because, in her mind, she isn’t single anymore. She’s part of a family of two.

COMMON CHALLENGES OF CHOICE PARENTHOOD
Much as there is a choice attached to single parenting, choice mothers are not exceptional to challenges.

According to research by MIFUMI, an international non-government women’s rights organisation based in Uganda, while having an involved father is psychologically ideal, some women who have not found a suitable partner consider it more responsible to have a child alone than to marry simply for the sake of having children.

Financially, most single by choice mothers want to have sufficient income, for this matter they work very hard to ensure that they can afford taking care of their children yet it would be simpler in cases of two parents.

Fridah says that much as she opted for sole parenthood, having a single parent household can be difficult. “some times i find it tiring balancing work with caring for my little girl” she says, adding that, “the other challenge i face as being a one-income household, there are limitations on what i can afford regarding luxuries that two-income households may be able to accommodate”.

However, she concludes that taking care of her daughter is what is most important to her.

Choice single mum Ssanyu Hadija explains some of the challenges she faces;

She says that If you’ve made the choice to be a single parent by choice, be prepared to develop a thick skin – don’t allow other people to tell you that you’re doing it wrong. “It’s your life, not theirs”, she says.

Solving The Problem

Single mothers need to expand their community, find male role models for their children. “For such mothers, they need to schedule regular breaks from parenting, and build robust support networks especially for their children”, says psychologist Dr. Stephen Mukasa.

Dr. Stephen further encourages choice single mums to rely on family and friends when in need of a break. They shouldn’t feel guilty about reaching out to friends, family or sitters. “Everyone should have time to themselves; single parents are no exception” he says.

Rachael Kisakye , a psychologist from Kampala says that many people believe that a two-parent household is the preferable route for raising children. “In this way, as a single parent by choice, you need to spend a good deal of time defending your choice to have a child without a partner”, she advises.

SNICK PIC OF THE KIND OF CHILDREN BROUGHT UP BY SINGLE MOMS !

As the numbers of single mothers increase, it implies an increase in a certain number of children they parent.

According to research findings by the University of Washington’s West Coast Poverty Center, children brought by single parents face emotional effects including low self-esteem, increased anger and frustration and an increased risk for Poverty . Living in poverty is stressful and can have many violent behavior.

Dr. Stephen Mukasa says that emotional effects of growing up in a single parent household may include feelings of abandonment, sadness, loneliness and difficulty socializing and connecting with others. He adds that effects vary from child to child, however, the individual parenting style of the single parent is also a big influence on the child’s development.

Hahi Musa Ssenabulya, a father and cultural advocate gave his opinion on such children.

Sarah Namuli, a mother and business woman says that such children have no motivation for doing better or getting out of that situation. “They are troubled, suffering without a male in the house, un-cared for and hence they become a bad influence on other children”, she says.

“They’re brave but pitiable. Their families, and their lives, aren’t complete because they don’t have a daddy living under the same roof”, says Robert Luyiga a father from Kawempe.

THE STIGMA OF A SINGLE MOM.

I carried out a survey in which people were asked to give their opinion on choice single mothers.S

More respondents nearly seven out of ten ranked single mothers as being bad for society.

It’s likely you need only to hit one or two buttons to trigger a negative reaction in people who might be perfectly accepting of the single mothers they know personally while disapproving of “other mothers” that fit their preconceived stereotypes.

“Many people assume two parents are better than one, but that isn’t true at all,” says Ruth Nagitta from Makindye. “I have had people tell me that they are staying in miserable marriages with spouses who cheat, drink, or do drugs just so their children aren’t growing up in a ‘single parent home.’

As if having a single parent, even a wonderful single parent, is worse than living in a home with parents who hate each other or where one parent is a true problem,” says Jenifer Nagitta, a teacher in Makindye.

Mugoye Crichton, a University graduate and entrepreneur says that such women should have worked harder to keep their relationships or marriages together.

They’re easy and slutty, They got pregnant with some random guy. It’s their fault”, he says, adding that, “Whatever they do, it’s never as good as what a married mom does. It’s their fault”.

“They go out partying anytime all the time. They’re man-haters. Or man hunters, who shouldn’t be left alone with other people’s husbands”, He says.

Ruth Nankabirwa of Nakulabye gives the conditions under which one is expected to become a single mother, still not supporting the subject.

The results of the survey indicate that, more than a decade into a new millennium, single motherhood is still a tender topic.

Defining Single Parents by Choice:

There are a number of reasons that a person may choose to have a child without a partner. According to “Single Mothers by Choice” an American website, people who choose to be single parents may include:

A single person who will start (or continue) to be the parent to a child without a partner
A single woman/man whose financial status is stable.
A person who has the emotional and fiscal ability to care for a child by him or herself.
Usually, single parents by choice are women who have dedicated their lives to their careers and have reached a point in which she decides to have a child.
Most single parents by choice are in their thirties or forties.
– See more at: http://www.bandbacktogether.com/single-parenting-by-choice-resources/#sthash.v6mnTaIx.dpuf
parenting tips for single moms

This kind of single parenting is mostly common in the United States.According to the Center for Disease Control National Vital Statistics Report, nearly four in 10 babies born in the United States were born to single mothers. Of 4.3 million total births nationally, 1.7 million were to single mothers.

Story by Shamim K Nakalule and Jane Ndibarekera Bukenya